


'Til I'm Bloody and Brusied

by Toonbly



Category: Half-Life, freeman's mind
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon-Typical Violence, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Freemind is going through it but he's gonna be alright, Friends to Lovers, Genderfluid Eddie, Half Life/Freeman's Mind 2 basically doesn't happen, He/Him for Freemind a buncha different pronouns will probs get used for Eddie, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Nightmares, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Paranoia, Post-Black Mesa, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Recovery, Requited they're just idiots, Self-Harm, Slow Burn, The Freemind recovery fic we've all been waiting for LMAO, Trans Gordon Freemind, freecrime, this isnt relevant at all i just need yall to know i hit them with my transgenderification beam
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-19
Updated: 2021-03-20
Packaged: 2021-03-28 00:14:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,284
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30131049
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Toonbly/pseuds/Toonbly
Summary: Gordon Freemind survived Black Mesa. He survived The Resonance Cascade, the onslaught of aliens and soldiers, he survived.In the aftermath of it all, Freemind finds himself living with his long-time friend and black market dealer Eddie and things get a little...complicated. Feelings-y complicated.But, it's fine, Freemind doesn't need to think about that too much. Sure, he has no memory of what really happened or how he even got out of Xen. Sure, he's missing an eye. But it's fine, cause he survived.And if he survived Black Mesa, Gordon Freemind can survive anything.Basically a Freemind recovery fic with some Freecrime and unforeseen consequences thrown in for extra fun.
Relationships: Eddie/Gordon Freeman
Comments: 7
Kudos: 40





	1. Then You Wake Up

It’s only when there’s ringing in his ears that Freemind realizes someone’s shouting.

He blinks once, twice- Finally able to focus on what he’s staring down at, despite half of his vision being blacked out. He’s standing on wood somewhere- it’s not Black Mesa, maybe, hopefully, he’d probably have been shot by now if it were- he’s in his HEV suit, covered in blood, muck, and grime, and there’s…

There’s another pair of shoes standing in front of his own. His eye slowly trails up, turning to face whoever’s in front of him and- Oh. Their hands are on his shoulders. They’re shaking him a little, they’re talking. He blinks again- That face looks  _ familiar. _

Curly black hair, the bluest eyes he’s ever seen, all those piercings, the light scars etched into his pale skin...His brain is so hazy it takes some time for it all to click.

“..Eddie?” His voice cracks when he speaks- It’s rough, hoarse. He blinks again, looking around at his surroundings.

This isn’t Black Mesa.

He’s standing outside of Eddie’s apartment. 

How...How did he get here? He- He was on Xen, right, he remembers that. Aliens everywhere, some big conspiracy slowly unravelling- You know, endgame bullshit. The big bad at the end that he had to defeat. Some weird guy in a suit talking to him. A flash of green light and…

And he’s here.

Of all places, he’s here. With Eddie.

“GORDON!” Eddie’s voice snaps him out of his trance. He looks back to the guy and- god, he looks so fucking worried. Sweet, gentle Eddie and he looks so torn up over  _ him  _ of all people- “Gordon- Jesus Christ, okay- Get inside you look like hell-”

Freemind nearly topples over himself as Eddie guides him into the apartment. He says a few other things, something about calling an ambulance, a question here and there about his eye. Something about time. Mind isn’t sure. It’s nice hearing his voice after so long, though. Really nice. It’s all Mind can really focus on, even if...well, he’s not entirely sure what Eddie’s saying.

He’s on the couch before he even really registers that he’s inside Eddie’s apartment. When he does, though, it hits him all at once- The familiar colors, the scents, the gentleness with which Eddie helps him settle down- Hey, the guy may be a criminal, but he’s a softie at heart. All of that in combination is enough to get Freemind giggling in borderline bliss. Something’s keeping him from being terrified right now- Maybe it’s the shock, maybe it’s just the fact that Eddie’s here. Eddie’s right here and he’s out and he’s never going to leave him again-

“Just- Relax, okay? God why’re you laughing-  _ Please don’t go into shock before the ambulance gets here I have no idea how to deal with that--” _

Is he talking? Not Eddie, he knows he’s saying something but- Mind feels like  _ he’s  _ talking. Maybe he’s talking. Who knows. He knows he’s not laughing anymore, he knows that. Something feels less floaty. Something hot trails down his face. He’s not sure what.

Eddie whispers something. He’s not sure what it is.

Mind blinks again, looking up at Eddie once more. He frowns when he does. The poor guy looks like he’s just been hit by a truck. Like a deer in the headlights. _ ‘Man...That’s not fair,’  _ Mind thinks, ‘ _ He shouldn’t...Shouldn’t be so freaked out. Not over me. Not right now.’ _ Besides, this was supposed to be a happy moment, wasn’t it? God knows how long Mind was gone, and God knows how long Eddie’s waited for him.

He’s just happy to see Eddie again.

Something in him barely musters up the energy to reach up, gently brushing his hand against Eddie’s face, weakly cupping it and tracing his thumb over his cheekbones.

That catches Eddie’s attention, cause he looks down at him wide-eyed as Mind mutters something even  _ he  _ doesn’t remember.

And then everything goes back.

\---

Light comes back immediately after. Or, at least in the way Mind sees it, it does.

His head is pounding, especially in the left side of his face. He’s lying down on something soft, though, so that’s…

Wait. Hold on. That shouldn’t be possible. The HEV suit was always a bitch to sleep in how the hell was he-

He blinks again, once, twice- and light blinds him when he does. Half of his vision is still gone, and he realizes there’s something wrapped around his face. He also realizes that he’s lying down in a bed, which- Yeah, okay, duh. No shit, Gordon. What, did it take your entire PHD for you to figure that one out? Jesus Christ.

Mind groans as he rolls his head to the side, trying to gauge where exactly he’s at, when he feels a hand on his shoulder. It’s gentle, it’s warm, it’s…

It’s Eddie.

“...Gordon?” Eddie’s the one that speaks first this time, his voice cracks when he does.

It registers then that he’s in the hospital, just glancing at the blank walls around them and some of the machinery he’s hooked up to. He’s in the hospital and Eddie’s right at his side. He’s in the hospital and no longer in Black Mesa.

He’s in the hospital and that means he survived.

Just barely, though.

Mind groans as he attempts to sit up again, “Ed, what the hell-”

Eddie puts a hand to his chest, trying to get him to lie back down, “Hey hey hey don’t- You need to stay laying down, alright..? You uh...Took a bit of a blow to the head.”

“A blow to the head?”

“Well- Less a blow and more an...everything. Literally everything.”

“The hell does that mean?”

A beat.

Eddie takes a deep breath, “So where do you want me to start? The missing eye or--”

“THE MISSING EYE???”

Mind’s hand flies to his face, gently tracing over the left side and- yeah, no, there’s about a hundred bandages wrapped around his face right now. Granted, he swore he remembered...something happening in Black Mesa. The droning quiet, the echoes of distant machinery whirring bouncing off the walls, only to be interrupted by a sudden, loud BANG and-

And he was on the floor, and everything was on fire, and he doesn’t remember how it happened. He doesn’t remember a single fucking thing. He has no idea how he got back up, how he ended up in Xen- There’s no way he did it alone. As grandiose he tends to portray himself- strong, unstoppable, and intelligent- Mind knows damn well there was no way he made it out of there alone. So what happened?

“..You, uh...Got caught up in an accident at work.” Eddie murmurs.

“Yeah, uh, no fucking kidding.” Mind says, running his hand down his face. He huffs.

“Do you even remember what happened?”

Mind snorts, “Uh, yeah. I buncha dumbasses in charge of the experiment ushered on the green apocalypse and I STOPPED IT like the badass I am. Have  _ you  _ ever torched a bunch of aliens? I don’t think so.”

Eddie blinks.

Then he stands.

“...I’m gonna go get the nurse--”

“WHAT?! Why?”

“Cause clearly you’ve fucking lost it.”

“Hey fuck you! I’m telling the truth here!”

“It’d sound a lot more like the truth if you actually elaborated a little bit?

Freemind throws his head back and groans in annoyance, “You make everything difficult, Ed.”

Eddie quirks an eyebrow, giving Freemind a knowing look.

“...Shut up.”

Eddie smirks, “I didn’t say anything.”

“Just- Sit the fuck back down and I’ll tell you what happened.”

Mind explains what happened in Black Mesa. He tells Eddie about the experiment, something he’d been hyping up weeks before he walked into work on that fateful day. He tells him about the Resonance Cascade, about the aliens, about the soldiers, what little he can remember of it all, he tells him. All the while making himself out to be this big grandiose hero who saved the day. Because, yeah, that’s what Freemind was good at. Making himself seem like the hero.

What he doesn’t tell Eddie is all the times he was nearly shot, drowned, burned, strangled, and- and so much more. What he doesn’t tell him is what came after the loss of his eye. What he doesn’t tell him is that he lost it in the first place cause he was stupid enough to let himself get tricked. What he doesn’t tell him is that he was fucking terrified the whole time.

Because heroes don’t get scared. Heroes aren’t terrified of their enemies, they don’t cower in fear at the mere sight of them, they don’t have panic attacks and meltdowns whenever they’re faced with the unknown. Heroes don’t do that.

And Gordon Freemind is just that, a hero.

That’s what he makes it seem like, anyway.

Despite this, Eddie doesn’t seem impressed. He doesn’t look in awe at Freemind’s glory, he’s not amazed by his tact and skill, he’s not gravelling to understand how just one guy can survive this whole ordeal and come out scott free.

Instead he looks...worried.

Almost scared.

“That...sounds really rough.” Eddie murmurs.

Freemind scoffs, “Rough? Please! It was a breeze. Minus the whole eye thing I think I came out of this pretty fine.”

“The nurse said you broke three ribs.”

“Well-”

“They said you were covered in burns, too.”

“Look-”

“They said you’re lucky to have--”

“Okay details, details. POINT IS! I’m here and I’m just fine.”

Eddie frowns, studying Freemind’s face. Something about Eddie’s gaze being on him like that makes him feel uneasy. It’s like he’s being picked apart, studied, seen for what he really is. It’s enough to make the man’s skin crawl. He shifts uncomfortably where he lays.

“...Look if it makes you feel any better, I hardly remember a lot of what happened.”

Eddie blinks, “You don’t?”

“Nope.” Freemind says, making a pop sound on the “P.”

His companion gazes around the room, seeming just as uneasy as Mind does.

“So, uh...Do you remember how you got here?”

“Kind of? I mean like,” Freemind shifts, propping himself up on his elbow, this time Eddie doesn’t protest, “I know I showed up at your place for some fuckin’ reason. Dunno how I got there...Before I ended up there I was on this weird alien planet that I also hardly remember, but other than that it’s kind of a blur.”

“...Right.”

Something about Eddie’s expression is off.

“Why? Am I  _ supposed  _ to remember something?”

Eddie jumps, “No! No- I mean, God it’s probably a good thing that you don’t. You weren’t, uh...in the best condition.”

Mind grimaces, “Not my finest hour, I’m assuming?”

“It was definitely up there with the skeleton incident.”

“Oh FUCK YOU-” Mind says, sitting up fully, “I was DRUNK!”

“You were drinking in a Spirit Halloween.”

“IT WAS A HALLOWEEN PARTY!”

“No, you were preparing for a Halloween party, but decided to ‘test out the vibe’ and brought your flask into the store-”

“It was not just a FLASK it was the ENTIRE BOTTLE-”

“How did you even manage that?”

“The wonders of sneaking things in under your jacket, Ed.”

“That doesn’t erase the fact that you-”

“YOU CAN’T BRING UP THE SKELETON THING WHILE I’M RECOVERING IN THE HOSPITAL, JACKASS.”

Eddie lets out a hearty laugh, “Oh so now you’re a damsel recovering in the hospital? What happened to big tough guy Gordon?”

“I’m a damsel when it’s convenient to me.”

Eddie laughs again, rolling his eyes before putting a hand on Mind’s shoulder. He attempts to get him to lie down again with a gentle push.

“Okay, okay, whatever, just- lie back down, okay? Damsel or not you really should be taking it easy..”

Mind jumps a little at the contact, it’s warm, gentle, just like Eddie always i-

_ No, stop that. Don’t think about that. _

He pushes Eddie’s hand away, “Yeah, yeah, I got it. Quit mothering me, Ed.”

“I’m not mothering you!”

“Yeah keep telling yourself that.”

Eddie scoffs, though that doesn’t make the fond smile on his face fade, “Okay, tough guy, maybe I am doting on you, but it’s just cause you went and got yourself caught up in some weird alien bullshit.” He gently pushes at Mind’s shoulder again, who finally complies and lies down, “Let me worry about you a little, alright?”

Mind stares up at Eddie for a moment and God his heart is racing. There’s a soft look in those bright blue eyes, something caring, something genuine. The gentleness in his voice and touch, just- everything would be enough to drive him insane right about now. That’s just like Eddie. Sweet, gentle Ed-

_ No. We’ve been over this. Literally five seconds ago. Stop that. _

“Yeah, yeah, okay, fine...If it’ll make you feel better.” Mind grumbles as he settles down in bed.

“It will.” Eddie says softly.

There’s a silence as Freemind settles. It’s not uneasy by any means, it’s...comforting. It’s the type of silence he hasn’t experienced in weeks.

Eddie’s the one to break it when he says:

“...I’m really glad you're back, Gordon,” His voice is as gentle as ever, “..I missed you a lot.”

Mind stares up at him for a second.

“...Yeah.” Is all he manages to say, and boy he wants to kick himself for it. Anything else he wants to say, though, finds itself caught in his throat. Unable to be said.

Eddie snorts, “Yeah?”

“Shut up, asshole- You know what I mean.”

Eddie smiles again.

“Yeah,” He says, reaching over and brushing Mind’s hair out of his face, “Yeah. I do.”

\---

It’s not long before Eddie is gone again, much to Mind’s disappointment. The nurse said Freemind should be on his own a bit, after all he needs rest after everything he’s been through, right? It almost makes Mind sick to hear. He’s not some child who needs to be doted on and cared for. He’s a grown man! He can handle this shit. Besides, if he survived Black Mesa, he could survive anything right?

…

Yeah.

Yeah that’s right.

If he survived Black Mesa, he could survive anything.


	2. Record Player

The crackle of a record player scratches against Freemind’s ears as his eye snaps open. The record’s song is gentle, like it’s meant to be sweet, almost serene. There’s something about the way the trumpets play, though. They’re distant, repetitive, droning. Instead of lulling the man back to sleep, they drive him to scan the room he’s in- whatever room he’s in, that is. 

It’s dark. Only the faint light of the street lamps outside bore their way into the room- even then, Freemind isn’t entirely sure that they’re there. He can never be sure-

Wait, what?

He blinks once, twice, and attempts to sit up-

But he can’t.

He can’t move.

The record player grows louder still, Freemind realizes now that there’s much more than distant trumpets playing on a dusty old record. He swears he hears a voice speaking- soft, feminine, but he can’t quite make out the words. They mumble too quietly. 

The record cracks like static, louder and louder, with increasing frequency.

He can only move his eyes- eye. He can only move his eye.

Freemind blinks.

Blinks. He blinks.

He blinks and the door is open.

A light is visible, but it doesn’t shine through. It’s like there’s a barrier in the doorway disallowing it from coming through.

Light. Light. Light.

Light.

light.

There’s light, there isn’t light. Both of these statements are true.

Freemind knows this. Freemind doesn’t know this.

All that follows is true.

A figure stands in the doorway.

Doorway. It has no features. It has no face. It stands tall. It smiles.

Smiles.

His blood runs cold.

It runs down his face his hands his body his everything his blood drips drip drop drip drop drip drop-

A chill falls over the room.

The figure stands over him.

It’s eyes are a grey tinge of blue. They bore into him, unblinking.

The record player grows louder and louder. Louder, louder. Louder louder louder louder louder lo ~~uder louder louder loud loud loud stop make it stop m~~ ~~_ ake it stop it’s loud it’s so fucking loud please please please make it stop it’s too much _ **_IT’S TOO LOUD-_ ** ~~

Freemind can’t move.

He can’t move, and the figure reaches for him.

The record crackles in his ear.

It’s reaching for him, it’s reaching for him,  _ it’s grabbing him it has him by the throat it’s gonna kill him it’s gonna fucking kill him he’s gonna die he’s gonna die here he can’t he can’t he can’t he’s supposed to make it out of this he’s supposed to be the hero here he’s supposed to survive he’s supposed to be better he can’t die here he can’t  _ **_hE CAN’T HE CAN’T DIE HERE_ ** **_HE CAN’T FUCKING DIE HERE-_ **

  
  


Freemind finds himself sitting up with a sudden cry of terror.

He looks around in a panic, trying to gauge where he is.

The room is dark, incredibly so, save for the street lamps that shine through the windows. The light, though limited, is enough to let Freemind get a general scope of the room. It’s a small, messy living room. Old clothes tossed here and there, a few old cups, one of those shitty old air conditioner systems that just sits in the window. Freemind finds himself lying on the couch, covered by a blanket that holds an all too familiar scent to him. He can’t quite place it right now, though.

Something about it makes him breathe a sigh of relief.

Dreaming. He must’ve been dreaming. There’s no figure, no record player, none of that. Everything is fine.

He blinks again, looking around the room.

Where  _ was  _ he?

Okay, there’s no way in hell these are the Black Mesa dorms. First of all, they never let him keep them this messy. Second of all, they didn’t even have living rooms, just little private bedrooms. Third of all, Freemind kind of, you know, blew up the entire fucking facility with his little experiment. So either he’s died and he’s in some fucked up purgatory Black Mesa where the dorms are just shitty old apartments, or he’s-

“Gordon..?”

A sleepy voice effectively crashes his train of thought.

Freemind whips around, looking over the back of the couch to see who’s standing in the doorway. It takes him a moment to recognize them in his daze. They’ve got a stocky build, hell they’re taller than the doorframe is. So they less stand in the doorframe and more on the outside of it. Their exact features are a little difficult to make out in this lighting, but Freemind would recognize that unruly, messy black hair anywhere.

...Right, he was with..

“..Ed? Uh- The hell are you doing up?” He asks.

Eddie chuckles a little, “I could..probably ask you the same thing.” They yawn, walking over to the couch.

Freemind shuffles, moving his legs so they have room to sit down. Upclose, he can much easier make out their features even in this light. Those tired, bright blue eyes and the dark circles underneath them. The light scars etched into their pale skin. It seems they had enough sense to take out all their goddamn piercings before heading to bed, but still.

It’s when Eddie quirks an eyebrow that Freemind realizes well, fuck, he’s staring. Okay-

He clears his throat.

“Yeah, well- I asked you first. You answer first.” Mind grumbles.

“...Well.” Eddie says, sitting back against the couch, “I thought I heard, uh..something that sounded like shouting in here. Thought I oughta check in.”

Mind blinks. Right. The dream. He’d woken up screaming.

“Uh, yeah, well-” Mind scrambles for an excuse, “Tried to get up to go get a drink and stepped on somethin’- thought it was a rat or some shit. Your apartment’s a mess, Ed.”

Eddie doesn’t seem convinced.

They look him up and down with a small frown, staring him in the face. Studying his features again. It makes Freemind’s stomach churn.

“What?”

“You can...You can talk about it, you know.” Eddie’s voice softens.

Freemind tenses up, “I don’t have shit to talk about, Ed.”

“You don’t?”

“Nope.”

“Nothing? At all? Nothing about..Black Mesa, or the ResCas, or Xen-”

“Okay okay _ stop-” _ Freemind sits up, shaking his head in frustration, “Don’t. Don’t do that.”

Eddie blinks, “Don’t do what..?”

“The fucking- Doting on me shit! I’m fine, Ed, really! A little sore maybe but I made it out fine. Just cause I’m crashing on your couch doesn’t mean I’m suddenly a damsel in distress who needs to be saved or whatever.”

Freemind crosses his arms, looking away from Eddie and pulling his legs close to his chest. Even when he’s not looking at them he knows, he just knows they’re staring at him. He knows they have that worried look on their face, that their eyes bear this gentle, kind look that lets him know he’s safe. He knows they’re doing that and he  _ hates  _ it.

“...Okay, so you don’t want to talk about it.” Eddie sighs, “But...Whenever you’re ready you know I’m here, right?”

“Yeah, yeah- Calm down. I’ve got nothing  _ you  _ need to be worrying about.”

“I think I’m gonna worry regardless.”

“Well.  _ Don’t  _ do that?”

That earns a small laugh out of Eddie, “Just don’t do it?”

“YEAH! Don’t!”

“You got an off button for it, or?”

“Shut up, jackass- You know what I mean.”

Another small laugh from Eddie before a silent falls over them. Usually, their shared silences are nice, peaceful. It still is, at least to Eddie, but for Freemind it’s tense. There are unspoken words hovering in the air, and he’s not entirely sure if they both know it or not. The  _ possibility  _ that Eddie knows is enough to make his skin crawl. It’s too much and not enough all at the same time.

It’s, once again, Eddie that breaks the silence. They were good at that.

“Y’know, you really don’t have to be sleeping out here.” Eddie says.

Mind scoffs with a fond smile, “Like I’d share your nasty ass bed with you.”

“I mean I can sleep out on the-”

Mind shoots a glare at Eddie, “Do NOT even suggest that. I’m the one bumming out in your apartment, not the other way around. You keep your bed, I keep the couch.”

“Well you’re the one who just got out of the hospital.”

“I’m not some fragile little flower, Ed. I’ve crashed on enough couches to be perfectly fine here.”

“I’m not saying you are, just...You know. I think you should be a little easier with yourself.”

“I’m perfectly easy with myself!”

“Are you, now?”

“Yes!”

Eddie raises an eyebrow. Mind looks away with an aggravated huff.

“Shut up.” He grumbles.

Eddie laughs softly as they begin to stand, “If you’re so insistent, I’m...gonna head back to bed. You’re absolutely  _ sure  _ you’re fine on your own out here?”

“Ed if I have to tell you one more time I’m gonna slap you.”

“You wouldn’t.”

Freemind opens his mouth to protest, but seeing that smug look on Eddie’s face reminds him that yeah, no, he wouldn’t. He could never hurt them.

Eddie smiles softly, “‘Night, Mindy.”

Freemind averts his gaze, “..Yeah. Goodnight.”

With that, Eddie heads back to his bedroom, leaving Freemind alone on the couch.

Freemind gazes around the room again.

He was in Eddie’s living room cause, right, he’d agreed to stay with Eddie. It was only because Eddie was so damn insistent, though. They worry too much. Sure, Freemind didn’t really have anywhere else to go having lived in the Black Mesa dorms for however long now. He could’ve easily gotten a new apartment with the hush money Black Mesa had given him, though. Eddie just wouldn’t stop going on and on about how he shouldn’t be alone right now. They kept doting on him and- God, he  _ hates  _ it when they do that. They shouldn’t have to worry about him so damn much, he can take care of himself. He should be able to take care of himself, anyway. After everything he’s gone through this  _ should  _ be something he can deal with alone.

So, yeah, he was staying with Eddie. It had nothing to do with him being afraid to be alone after everything that happened. It had nothing to do with his persistent nightmares that he was only comforted from whenever he knew Eddie was closeby. And it certainly has nothing to do with the fact that all Freemind could think about in Black Mesa was Eddie. How much he missed them, how he worried for them, how he wondered if they were waiting for him outside of Black Mesa’s walls.

It has nothing to do with that.

It’s just because Eddie worries too much.

That’s it.

Nothing more, nothing less.

Freemind lies back down on the couch, pulling the covers over his head. He lies on his right side, not wanting to irritate the bandages over the left side of his face. He can distantly hear Eddie snoring in their bedroom. They’d always been a heavy sleeper, frankly he’s surprised that he managed to wake them up. Even more so, a strong guilt crushes him for doing so. Eddie shouldn’t have to worry about him so much.

His eye flutters closed as he lets out a heavy, exhausted sigh.

...So they won’t.

Freemind’s gonna make sure that they’re not worry about him. Not now, not ever again.

He can handle this himself. 

And he’s gonna prove it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> haha freecrime brainrot go brrrrrrrrrr  
> btw you can follow me on tumblr @Toonbly for more Freecrime content!! i draw these nerds a lot  
> also i have a funky little hlvrai/freemans mind fantasy au ask blog on tumblr @cascadecrowns if you wanna check that out too!  
> okay self promo hour done byeeeeeee


End file.
